


you'll make it through alive (cause you never said goodbye).

by maiaslightwood



Series: out of the shadows & into the light. [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e15 To the Night Children, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e15 To the Night Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 00:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18304634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maiaslightwood/pseuds/maiaslightwood
Summary: Alec Lightwood faces his greatest fear.





	you'll make it through alive (cause you never said goodbye).

**Author's Note:**

> this is what happens when i put on the sad playlist, have a 5hr train ride and can't stop thinking about the 3.16 promo, i guess?
> 
> title from _between_ by courrier which i think is very fitting for what's to come.
> 
>  **warnings**  
>  basically a continuation of the last scene of 3.15 therefore magnus is hurt, alec is having somewhat of a panic attack / grieving and thinks about other times he has come close to losing magnus.

_What are you afraid of? What scares you?_  

It seems a lifetime away now that Alec had asked, bathed in gold and stomach fluttering with a feeling spreading its wings he couldn’t name quite yet. A lifetime since Magnus had given him a non-answer that instead had made Alec’s heart soar. A lifetime since he took Magnus hand and vowed to himself not to let go.

Magnus hadn’t asked and Alec – too busy savoring the moment and the feeling of words on his tongue that had little to do with their conversation and everything to do with the way Magnus looked in the morning light – had almost forgotten about it. 

The thing is, Alec is no stranger to fear. Not for himself, necessarily, but for his siblings, his parents even, the people at the Institute under his family’s protection, the whole city maybe. It’s a different sort of fear, an undercurrent of constant worry because these are his people to protect, to take care of.  
What Alec felt running through familiar halls, looking at dead crumbled bodies on the floor was only the frantic beating of his heart. _No, no, no_. It was his breath coming short, not quite reaching his lungs. It was his brain unable to make sense of the situation, of the possibility. It was a fear he had never felt, he tells Magnus later and then later again with arms wrapped around each other and unwilling and unable to let go. _I was terrified. I love you._

The thing is, Alec didn’t know truly fearing for Magnus, even then. That day he could pretend Magnus was still alive as long as he didn’t find him among the dead. He could let his thoughts run miles and miles with possibilities of how Magnus wasn’t there, was alive and breathing and they all proved true in the end.

He didn’t know true fear when Magnus walked away from him into a ring of fire and screamed in pain because all he could think of was the promise whispered between them. _You’re gonna make it back. Why wouldn’t I? Look what I have waiting for me._

He didn’t know true fear even as he was staring up at Magnus and Jace, life slowly draining from him and too many things left unsaid on his tongue, too many chances at a future slipping away.

He got a desperate taste of it when he saw Magnus disappear through a portal, screaming out and unable to do anything. Unable to know if Magnus was okay, if he was alive, if he was in pain, if-

The way Alec learns one of his worst fears is nothing he could have prepared himself for even though looking back he has had enough chances.

One minute they’re smiling and Magnus’s hands frame his face, warm and familiar, words of reassurance and love Alec is eager to return. The next his whole world seemingly tilts on its axis, leaving him to desperately try and hold it up, hold it _together_.

When he was eleven Izzy had insisted that instead of weapons they’d use only their fists for a training session. Always the big brother, the protector, he had wanted to go easy on her and instead had ended up on the training room floor, breath punched out of him and his chest hurting so bad it had made tears spill from his eyes.

Now on the floor of his office, holding Magnus body as he’s shaking and blood is running from his nose, it crashes through him like a thousand punches to his windpipe. His hands are trembling and he can’t figure out if it’s him or if it’s because he’s trying to still Magnus’s body. His heart is trembling too, a new shade of frantic _no, no, no_ that is even more desperate than last time. And he can’t even breathe, his voice hoarse from screaming for help and like a lock around his throat. He wants to cry, wants to beg, wants to scream again because why is no one helping them, why is no one here, _why why why_ —

 _The key to having no fear is having nothing to lose_ , Magnus had said with all the wisdom of a man who had held and eventually lost it all, nothing Alec could ever understand. As he chokes on another cry he realizes he might just now.

If he could remember the words maybe he would start praying to God or Raziel or whoever is listening up there, watching on as the man he loves is slipping away from him.

“P-please”, he gasps and then “Magnus”, because he doesn’t know any other words and why is no one helping them, _please_ he just—

Then there are hands pulling him back, gently at first and when they realize he’s a deadweight and unable to let go of Magnus they start tugging more insistently, joined by another pair and people are saying his name, telling him something but _God_ , what does Alec care when Magnus—

Magnus has stopped shaking where he’s lying on the carpet with drops of his blood leaving red stains all around him. The carpet where he stood just a few minutes ago and promised a shared future.

And so, Alec Lightwood faces his greatest fear in the nighttime light of his office with tears staining his face.


End file.
